3 posts tagged “weight”

Between the ages of 45 and 55 women on average can expect to gain at least 5.5 kg.

I am just over the 50 mark…. And statistically speaking I should have only gained an extra 2.75 kg by now

I must be in the advanced class…

Aliens are diabolical. They are masters of mind control. They can taken a normal woman and turn her into a raving obsessed lunatic with the flash of a dial. Yes it was weight day. First 4 scale readings on my electronic scales (I am nothing if not thorough)  reported that  I was a whopping 2.5 kgs smaller than last week. I knew they were having me on. So I walked away for three minutes then came back. Those 3 readings so I was now a kilo lighter than the same time and day last week.

Now I should have been happy with that, but no, I had to challenge the aliens. I had to weight myself again. Twice, actually.  Back to 2.5.

I then lost all composure. I moved the scales to different floor positions, tried walking on with first the right foot, then the left foot. I did it in fast succession. Multiple times.  Went away and dried my hair a little more until I risked looking like the triangular haired girl out of Dilbert.  Weighed again.  The readings ricocheted between the two figures.

I pulled myself together when I heard a noise and realized I was groaning and mumbling to myself. The aliens were playing the tune and I was twirling around my bathroom like a frenzied member of the Irish Riverdance troupe. I am glad the bathroom door was closed, so that no close family member witnessed Mother having more than a moment.

Reason would have told any sane women to split the difference and feel superior, but I think it is fairly well established I am a little short on sanity, especially under stress.  I could have also not been greedy and sensibly embraced the1 kilo reading as a job well down. No, I had to try outwitting those aliens.  

I shook the scales before replacing them on the floor and alighting once more. The top half of two electronic red zeros glared back at me. It refused to give me a coherent reading. 

Do I take this as a godsend as the alien saga could now be put to rest? Or do I go out and purchase new bathroom scales, and maybe a tape measure to measure my circumference as a counterbalance to error?  Oh, and a hair shirt (this season’s color of course!), all the better to torment myself with…

Weighty issues indeed.

Tomorrow (Monday)is the designated day for recommencing communication with the aliens. As no physical exercise has been done, beside lifting my tea cup to my lips, I am not expecting any progress on the weight loss side.

Then again, only one acceptance so far to the "reunion"  (yeah Tall Girl!) so maybe I don't have to remake myself by Feburary! I suspect that they have all embarked on overhaul programs of their own, and wont accept ,or reject my invitation until they are confident they can peel off 10 years in three weeks. I pray that I come in somewhere in the middle of the field - neither the worst looking or the best, that way I wont get condescending sniggers (oh dear hasn't Flamingo Dancer let herself go! She was always so thin and such a snappy dresser when we were 16. Remember the halter neck tops, and the midi skirts? The hotpants?), nor the best, so that no one hates me (Not likely!) All this anxiety from the woman who refuses to go to actual class reunions!

Yes, Scarlet, tomorrow is another day, but is it less or more of me in it?